Memoirs of an Insomniac Detective
by LetThereBeRaito
Summary: The memoirs of one sleep depraved, eccentric, bordering on mildly crazy, detective. Reviving the old story for those of you who remember :
1. Chapter 1

For all you who remember this, I am totally, finally reposting this. Thanks to you guys who sent me the copies you had saved! For some reason little bits are missing, so there is some new material ;D enjoy!

And for those of you who haven't read, this is an AU Death Note fic :3 Again, enjoy!

Date: 22nd January 08

Height: 179 cm

Weight: 50 kg

BMI: 15.6

Daily Consumption: 3 coffees w/ 6 sugar cubes, 4 black teas w/ 8 sugar cubes, 9 strawberries, 1 banana, 1 ½ strawberry cheesecake slices, small chocolate gateaux, 2 ice cream cones.

Mood: Apathetic

Dear Diary…

Too Clichéd

Hello, Diary?

Nope

Dear Me?

Not quite.

Hello, Me. Bingo.

Today, on this very prosaic day, I decided that I would change something about my life, inject a small sense of purpose, and take up the supposedly therapeutic hobby of keeping a diary.

Watari once brought up such a notion, to which I initially pushed it to the back of my mind, thinking nothing of it.

Yes, a supposedly cathartic activity is this, I just feel the stress of detective work slipping away… well, I don't really, but maybe if I keep telling myself that, I will. Or maybe I should just give it a little more time? Yes, I think I will.

There were a number of seemingly insignificant activities which occurred today, at first appearing not worthy of note, but in hind sight, it would be nice to document them and look back on them one day. Maybe even pointing them out to Watari and Raito kun and we will all say; 'Ah! I remember that! Ahahaha.' and have a good old laugh.

And maybe that won't happen, but it would be nice to dream.

I am digressing.

The first thing to occur; Raito kun and I were due to take a small break from the office, hopefully omit ourselves of the sluggish nature we had developed due to the non stop work, and take a trip to the park. It was I who had suggested it, secretly hoping that we would catch the blooming of the Sakura trees…or, as I believe the locals call it 'flower gazing'. Obviously, I did not want to admit to Raito kun that this was in fact my soul purpose for choosing the park as our destination. A real man like him would not understand the longings of such a waif esque foreigner as I.

Anyway (again, I digress), I was all ready to set out, having only the need to slip on my trainers, But Raito kun insisted on flying around the whole building like a 'blue arsed fly' (as my acquaintance all those years ago at Wammy's used to say.)…( He was from London) .

Not one to openly display my signs of annoyance, I patiently waited. And waited. And then I requested a miniature gateaux. And then I ate it. And then I waited further.

At this point I began sighing audibly and tapping my foot in an acrimonious manner.

I had been wearing shoes long enough.

Far more than necessary due to Raito kun's incessant searching.

Was he taking part in an office Orienteering challenge that I was not aware of?

Then I realised that no, of course he wasn't. I would have had to have been the one to instigate such an activity, seeing as I run the investigative headquarters.

So I finally decided that I had had enough.

"Raito kun?" I cried out indignantly, on one of his skits past the main office.

"What?" He snapped, rather defensively.

"WHAT, are you looking for? We were set to leave an hour ago. In said time I have consumed a whole gateaux."

See how angry I got there? I never allow my temper to rise as such…

However…Raito got TOLD.

If only others had been present to witness such a spectacle.

Finally pausing for more than a few moments (obviously in shock from my, admittedly, severe telling off) he decided to leave whatever it was he had been looking for and apply to his being his spring jacket and tennis shoes.

"Let's go, Ryuuzaki," He had muttered.

Some would have perceived it as an angry reply, but he was clearly forlorn from my curt natured retorts.

So off we(finally) set.

The weather today was airy, not exactly suited for summer clothes, but the hint of spring approaching was drifting in the atmosphere.

On his return from purchasing two ice cream cones (one for Ryuuzaki, one for L. This alone caused an argument, to which I replied that In the eyes of the law I am actually three people, not counting my true identity. So he was LUCKY I wasn't requesting my full quotas worth of iced cream) and handing them over to me, I remembered that back in the office, he hadn't actually told me what it was he had been looking for so desperately.

Rather offhandedly he had replied it wasn't anything important…just something which held sentimental value.

Obviously, (being a detective and all) my interest was piqued. And instantly deducing from his oblique reply, I was not going to get an answer easily.

Time to be sneaky…

I left the conversation at that for a while, and, after commenting on Raito's aesthetic qualities;

("Damn hot..." I blurted

"What did you just say, Ryuuzaki?"

"Damn hot…is this ice cream…I hold within my…hand")

I realized I had clearly been placed under some form of spell to distract me from the more pressing matters of delving into Raito's personal business.

"OK, Raito, you have been acting funny all day. I would like to know what is vertically positioned at a point above your head."

I was briefly met with a blank stare.

"…What?" His brow furrowed somewhat.

I paused for a moment, searching that cavernous chamber of information known as my brain, as I attempted to sought out that particular kids lingo I had just tried and failed to regurgitate.

"What is up, Raito?"

"It doesn't matter…"

"Is it…is it me?" I drew a circle on the back of his hand with my index finger, big, soulful black eyes blinking up into his. Unexpectedly, he jerked his hand away. (Maybe it _was _me! Was I not thin enough? Pretty enough? Was I not good enough in…)

"No, it's not you," Raito abruptly interrupted my momentarily panicked, insubordinate female thoughts.

"Well then, what is it?" I ask, finding myself strangely relieved. Wow, my acting prowess is so superior it even dupes myself.

Raito stopped in his tracks, turned his face skywards, the watery January sun illuminating his skin a duey hue. He looked…

Ridiculous, for crying out loud, Raito, it was only a nasally unpleasant diary. Stinkin' diary, excuse me. Am still getting used to using aforementioned lingo. Stinkin'. Right. Got it. Remove the 'g', add apostrophe. Oh, I never fail to amaze myself, it rhymes as well, I have jus invented a mnemonic device without even trying!

"It is my…My diary, Ryuzaki. I cannot find it anywhere."

I raised an apparently appalled, concerned eyebrow.

"Oh, poor Raito. Poor, poor Raito. Just tell me what it looks like and I will certainly find it for you." An empty lie of course, for I knew that it would be impossible.

"Ok….It was plain black, slim, lined…etc. It's just more about…what was inside."

Feigning ignorance. "Oh?" Is that all? I didn't really give a crap. To be blunt.

After I had ascertained he was not about to continue, I probed further.

"What was inside, Raito kun?" I had to know for I would fear the answer of what could be.

"I…don't think I can tell you."

My heart tightened.

Approaching the Cherry trees (not quite in bloom ,dammit) I suggested that we sit beneath them and talk it through, for my feet were aching and in need of removing their restrictive sheaths known as 'shoes'.

I settled myself into the crisp grass and removed my trainers. The grass in between my toes initially tickled.

Licking the last remnants of orange crisp ice cream from my fingers, I stared at Raito until he caved once again. My eyes must 'freak him out'.

"I can see you're not going to leave me alone until I tell you what was in that notebook."

"Quite clearly, Raito kun," I readily agreed, forcing my fingers up to his mouth to see whether he would like to sample the orange iced cream I had forgotten to offer earlier. (for some reason, unbeknownst to me, he apparantly didn't want to try it. Maybe I needed to wash my hands? Raito kun does, after all, strike me as one of those 'hygiene freaks'.)

"Okay, long as you won't laugh."

Earnestly, I nodded.

"That note book didn't really hold any sentimental value to me…That was just a cover up…"

I widened my eyes, pretending quite convincingly that I was mildly insulted by the display of deceit.

"It…."

"It's okay Raito kun, you can tell me." I coerced.

"It…Oh, God, Ryuuzaki, I hope no one finds it… it…

"WAS MY SUPER SECRET DIARY, CONTAINING MY LIST OF HIGH SCHOOL CRUSHES, HEAD SHOTS OF ME LOOKING DEVESTATING (I think he meant in a handsome sense) , MY FAVOURITE PORN URLS AND…and…and…"

"AND!"

"…and an in depth account of my last time alone…"

I must have appeared rather non plussed.

"As in Raito's Special Alone Time…"

OHHHHhhhhh.

I laughed.

I had laughed profusely.

And that was the first notable thing which had occurred today.

Re evaluating the content, I have decided that maybe this will not be suitable for reminiscent get togethers in the foreseeable future.

Ah yes, and for the second occurrence worth of note.

Today, as I was heading out to the head quarters cafeteria/lounge (route via hallway) I witnessed Matsuda san fall down the stairs.

Hahahahaha

Forgive me, that is rather cruel.

…(ahahahahah).

Ah, I feel this concludes my first entry of my new diary. Reflecting on my previous state, post scripting the activities of today, I DO in fact feel more at ease. Yes, relaxed. Insert contended sigh here.

Now, before I return to work, I must make sure to dispose of the pages I found in this book previously before I claimed ownership… I really would not want Raito kun to find them.

Well…he should not leave his property lying around in his own personal drawers if he does not wish other people to take claim to them.

Now…how do I exit one of these 'hand written' programmes?

I can't detect the usual cross in the right hand corner…

Perhaps if I write…

Log out.

Yes, I fell that will work. Until tomorrow, then.

Log Out.


	2. Chapter 2

Date: 23rd January 08

Height: 179 cm

Weight: 51kg

BMI: 15.9

Daily Consumption: 8 coffees w/ 5 sugars, 2 black teas w/ 9 sugars, 2 bowls strawberry ice cream w/ rainbow sprinkles, chocolate sauce, banana slices and mandarin pieces, banana and melted chocolate sandwich, mango sorbet.

Mood: Mild distress.

Hello, Me,

Today, many an unfortunate event befell me as I carried out my usual daily routine.

Awakening a little later than usual (I decided I deserved to indulge myself with a short lie in), I rose at about 4 am and made my way to the bath room to weigh myself.

Side Note: Most people, when they discover that I partake of this particular everyday morning routine are surprisingly taken aback. For a while I was rather non plussed as to why, and when I eventually decided to question such a reaction, it just so happened to be Raito kun who I had asked, he non-chalantly commented it is due to the fact that I take no care whatsoever in my appearance.

"What!" I had spluttered indignantly.

Does nobody realise how long it takes to achieve this ashen pallor? These haunting eyes?

Well, I'll tell you.

It takes HOURS.

Step 1:

First, I stay up past 2 in the morning every single night, receiving usually only 1 to 2 hours sleep a night. This gives me a fantastic base for my pale skinned appearance, whilst additionally adding depth to the (natural) shadows around my eyes.

Step 2:

Rise about 3.30 am, sufficient time is needed to prime ones self for the working day ahead. This gives me about four and a half hours to groom. Now take note, as here is my arcane secret, the one that has been handed down to me from the big boys at Wammy's.

MAC makeup.

Yes, expensive it may be, but my luminous complexion is the only coercion you need to buy the magical mixtures.

(I use Select SPF15, NC15 foundation. With a complexion as pale as mine, I am in dire need of extra protection from the sun. And for the eyes; MAC's Shadow Paint Pot, in Blackground. A highly pigmented tincture which applies like a cream, dries to assume the form of a powder. Beautiful.)

Application of said substances requires precision and care. This alone consumes an hour of my morning routine, after a half an hour shower/ hair wash.

Step 3.

Here comes the most time consuming aspect: My wild yet, conversely, meticulously styled hair. Yes, here we need a dash of style, a spot of talent, a mixture of patience and a dab of magic.

(That last part is not entirely true, I just believe it added flair to the sentence. Maybe the word flair would have sufficed instead?)

Where most people appear to go wrong when attempting to imitate my unique style, is with the first golden rule; The Cut.

The cut must be longer on the right hand side.

Sound insane? Trust me, it is how it all works. It is the key, even.

One must secondly ensure a strong, yet flexible, hair styling substance is in one's possession. (I use Wella's System Professional for Men Exxtra Strong Gel).

Apply a blob the circumference of a ten pence piece (English currency) into your palm, tilt your head to the right and run your hands through, occasionally tangling your fingers deliberately. Twist the ends of individual spikes to ascertain a sharp finish. The fringe is easy, just simple brush it over to the right, and fix in place with a small spray of, (preferably ozone friendly) hairspray. Any strength/make will do for this part, although if your hair is particularly stubborn, I would go for the maximum hold variety.

At this point, it has usually reached about half seven in the morning. Just enough time for a sweetened coffee before I begin the working day in the office.

Now. About weighing myself this morning. (Didn't I mention in my first entry that I tend to digress?)

Stepping upon the scales, the small, insufferable needle actually rose past it's usual position of 50 kg.

…to 51

Never, in my 29 years of age, have I weighed any more, or any less, than 50 kg.

(Editors note: I would like to add here that this statement is in fact incorrect. The bases of it's truth would have to imply that Mr. Lawliet was born at a weight of 50kg).

Personally, I blame Raito…If it was not for him having me weight (See that spelling error? The word is tormenting my mind) whilst he desperately searched for his menial notebook, I would not have consumed that gateaux, for which I would have otherwise had no intentions of eating.

Not only does this mean my weight had risen by a whole kilogram, it is the equivalent to an added 2.204 pounds, and it also means that my BMI

is now a whole 0.4 points higher.

Mental Note: Join gym, or request Watari install gym into office building.

After I jogged to work this morning (admittedly, only a short journey down one flight of stairs), I crossed the path of Early Morning Yagami Raito. A bland, un sweetened coffee in one hand, a vengeful comment borne of premature waking in the other.

Pausing briefly to catch my breath at the foot of previously mentioned stairs, he stopped before me. And just looked.

I stared back also, initially presuming we were engaging in some form of game. (Due to this, I refrained from blinking for a whole minute. A common misconception of my character is that I do not blink. In fact, the only time I am seen with my eyes closed is in that fateful episode 25. But this is only due to the fact that I am never in one scene long enough to physically blink. The cameras have a tendency to concentrate of me for a few seconds before being automatically magnetised to a certain ego centric teenman. Anyway, my point is I only ever blink off camera, another story about this particular mishap in a minute. I really must finish one tale before I begin the next.)

Finally, after one sleep laden swig of hot coffee, Raito spoke. And blinked I might add.

"You look fat."

…

"Excuse me, Raito kun?"

His eyes roamed over my form, assessing my figure. And then he nodded, eyes narrowed in a manner that suggested he was certain.

"You look fat."

"Excuse me, Raito kun."

Off I slinked to the kitchen, to drown my sorrows in ice cream, fruit, coffee, chocolate, sugar…etc etc. (I am aware of the mild irony).

As I was seated before the kitchen table, encased in a mound of wrappers, the offending child walked past, muttering in my general direction;

"But I'd still tap that."

I searched for 45 minutes afterwards, trying to locate any misplaced taps.

There was one final dilemma of today, which I was sure… Ah yes, to do with the blinking match.

Well, an off shoot, so to speak of the one sided blinking match.

I had noticed that Raito kun had given me an odd look, besides his evaluation of my apparent weight gain. But after being sent to an inescapable prison of woe after the Insensitive Comment, I had failed to follow up on the matter.

After a whole day of speaking to clients, interviewing suspects for numerous cases and dealing with the general public, Raito pulled me to one side once our paths had crossed for a second time that day.

"Ryuzaki, it has been bugging me all day."

"I am sorry if my weight gain causes any emotional discomfort for you, but…"

"No…not that."

"Oh?"

"I didn't say anything at first, because, well, because I found it so hilarious, I mean WHO KNEW!"

My patience grew short.

"Raito kun, just inform me of what you are going to say before I…before I raise my voice."

"Your mascara's run. It's all down your face. I mean like ALLLL down your face." He then dragged his fingers down his face to illustrate his point just a little bit further.

Oh…dear.

"M…my what, Raito kun?"

"Your mascara, darlin'" He rewarded himself with a snigger for that one.

THE WORLD IS NOT YET READY FOR MY SECRET!

"I do not know what you are talking about, Raito kun!"

"Ryuzaki, you clearly wear makeup. I mean, before this morning, I just thought you were ill. Severely ill. But now I know that you make yourself look like that on purpose. That's just weird…"

I had to think fast. It was all I could do to save my secret (and more importantly, humility).

"Raito…please…allow me to explain…"

That stopped him sniggering for a moment.

"I…suffer from Subconjunctival Liquesce…"

Said revelation was intended to have a shocking impact on the boy.

Raising my head after peering forlornly at the floor, I was met with an oblivious expression.

"My eyes occasionally melt, Raito kun."

Am internally relieved that it is now drawing near 2 am. I am exhausted from such emotionally draining endeavours. Let us hope that tomorrow brings a brighter day…

And also hope that Raito kun no longer fears me. Maybe I could have concocted a better excuse...

Until tomorrow.

Log Out.


	3. Chapter 3

Date: 24th January 08

Height: 50cm

Weight: 50kg

BMI: 15.6 (or 200 if you prefer to calculate it from my new meagre height)

Daily Consumption: Onigiri, Sushi w/ dolly mixture filling, Raman noodles w/ syrup, 5 coffees w/ 20 sweeteners, 5 black teas w/ 25 sweeteners, 23 cherries, 2 bananas, 1 melon slice w/ pancetta.

Mood: Bewildered.

Hello, Me,

It appears that my change in diet has decreased my weight back to it's usual status. Although, I am not sure as to how long I can endure this new healthy lifestyle…. It has wreaked havoc on my bowels.

I had to rise three times this morning, during my hour and a half of routinely sleep, just to…well…just to empty myself, so to speak.

The smell was not pleasant...I mean, I was always lead to believe I had good, healthy plumbing! I have never needed laxatives or anything of the sort, or for that matter one of those dreadful enemas...

Anyway, enough of that. It is not a particularly bright aspect of my life that I would wish to refer back to at any point, or leisurely read over in years to come, to which I could jovially express my joys of reminiscent based delight.

On to a completely unrelated story.

Today, for the first time in my life, I had to visit a councillor.

And not just any councillor.

A children's councillor.

Watari insisted that it would be the best option for someone of my disposition and…particular problem.

I, however, had no grounds on which to argue as I have never before witnessed one of these counsellors in their habitual working grounds. And therefore, I had no idea of whether I was more suited to those adept in the field of working with children.

So, once the time had reach 12:30pm, Watari and I left the investigation headquarters in the able hand of Raito kun. Of course, he was rather (persistently) curious as to where I could possibly be headed at this time of day, for he knew full well that there was no field work for me to participate in today.

And, as he so blatantly stated, I have absolutely no social life. 'So where could I possibly be off to?'

("I consider regularly posting on the Wonka's Wonder's forum every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night quite a fulfilling and rewarding social experience, Raito kun. I would hardly say that I 'had no social life".

To which he had retorted after a short, incredulous pause; "You really need to get laid."

I am still trying to work that one out, actually. Initially, I took it to meaning 'get beaten up' but then I realized that's 'floored'. Oh well, I am sure I will found out one day.)

I was not, however, prepared to tell him.

I mean, I had only just recently confided in Watari with this particular personal matter. And look where it gotten me, a trip to a children's counsellor with an incessant interrogation from Raito kun.

And speaking of Raito kun being the one to interrogate me, I mean to say, how ironic!

Lest we all forget the time we had four years ago. Or, on the contrary, let us reminisce slightly! That funny little episode that was now a whole four years ago… ah yes.

You see, I was certain that Raito kun was some form of elusive mass murderer disguised behind the ridiculous pseudonym 'Kira', who held some form of celestial power, rendering him able to kill anybody he wished. I was under the pretence that, using just a name and a face, he could eradicate his chosen victims in any means necessary under the guidance of a Shinigami and a rather ominous notebook!

Looking back on it, it does sound ridiculously far fetched. I mean, Raito kun? Magic notebook? Shinigami? Apples!

I should have known from the beginning that it was in actual fact Soichiro Yagami who was the one behind the whole charade, but, being the genius that I am, I managed to cleverly engineer the situation to look as if it had been our very own office jester (read; idiot), Matsuda, who had been convinced the entire time it was our very own office Raito (read; suspected homosexual) had been the main culprit. Well, only culprit really.

(I still don't think he's ever forgiven the bumbling idiot)

Anyway! Back to my day trip.

We arrived at the clinic at about 12:50pm, which gave me apt time (ten minutes) to sit in the Rolls, apprehensively peering out of the window and assuming my terrified adolescent act.

Unfortunately, Watari appears to have developed some form of impenetrable armour to it, and has been rendered completely immune to my routine.

1.5 minutes later, I was seated in the waiting area, crouched precariously on the edge of a small, red 'fisher-price' plastic, mushroom shaped chair, apparently ergonomically designed around a dwarf.

Or possibly, even, a small child.

The walls had been coated in a hue of snot green, is all I can call it, adorned with, what could actually be, caveman paintings of Disney characters. I am led to believe this due to the common practice of painting upon vertical surfaces took place during the Prehistoric times, and not our century. In this day and age, there is absolutely no need for such an endeavour, as we have within our grasps the invention of pen and paper.

So what else could they be?

I was actually rather impressed that they had bothered to preserve such history upon the building of this clinic, and had even gone as far as to paint around the images in their awful green pallet.

Kudos to them.

As I patiently awaited my name to be called, I was rather surprised to find a small child suddenly residing at the opposite side of the small, plastic, blue table I was seated before.

He was around six, if I were to make an estimate. And obviously of the inquisitive sort, for he would not cease staring at me.

Eventually, I thought that I better break the awkward silence, so I picked up the teddy bear endorsing kettle set in the middle, poured him a cup of pseudo tea and slid it in front of him.

"Pseudo tea?" I politely inquired.

He stared at me for a moment.

"What is su…do tea?"

"Ah, well you see, pseudo just means…

"MUM, THIS MAN IS SAYING WEIRD STUFF. I THINK HE'S GIVING ME SPECIAL

SWEETS".

I allowed the rude interruption to slide, however, as my interest was rather piqued upon learning of these 'special sweets'.

Immediately, a large woman descended upon me, snatching up the child. She began raising her voice towards me, incorporating the word drugs here and there into her rebuke.

I clearly protested that I had no drugs, and that I, too, would like to receive some of these special sweets.

At this point Watari materialized and took me aside, leading me towards the counsellors office by the arm.

What exactly had I done wrong?

Anyway, it was time for my appointment.

I sat in a room occupied by a stuffed menagerie, fake, beaded eyes all glinting in my direction. I tried my best to ignore their jeers and jaunts.

The counsellor turned out to be a woman, probably 3 to 4 years my junior. And despite this fact, she still felt the need to adopt that condescending tone that all adults assume when talking to a child.

"Now, Ryuzaki. Would you like to tell me why you're here today?"

I glanced towards Watari who was smiling encouragingly at me.

"He made me."

She laughed gently, almost patronizingly I would say (but that might just be my ungrounded paranoia).

"If you are uncomfortable putting it into words, please feel free to draw it on the chalkboard over there." She raised before her a small stub of white chalk.

Hesitantly, after some gentle coercion from Watari, I took it and knelt before the tiny chalkboard drilled to the wall at a height suitable for a three year old.

Dusting my hands, I resumed crouching on top of the beanbag.

Clearly, she had no idea what I had just drawn, as she squinted at it for quite some time. Obviously feeling she could not hurt my pride by asking what it was, she just took a natural presumption.

"Ah, afraid of rectangles, are we? Well, many children…"

"I do not mean to interrupt, but that is a bed."

Her eyes widened in realization.

"Oh!…so, what is this…in the middle here?" She pointed towards the scrawled circle I had drawn in the centre of my rectangle.

"That, " I began rather offhandedly "Is my problem."

"So it's circles we're dealing with, not…

"I AM NOT SCARED OF SHAPES, WOMAN, THAT IS URINE, OK? PISS, WEE, AMMONIA, I WET THE BED. I WET THE DAMN BED.I KEEP WETTING. THE. DAMN. BED."

If I could do anything, and I mean anything, to go back in time, slap

myself in the face, and prevent me from having that outburst…believe me, I would.

I was also foolish enough to believe that this would be my only session. As we were leaving Watari booked me in for the same time next week.

Dear…god.

Upon my return, I was quite surprised to discover a parcel upon my desk.

After conducting a search of my office, I found that there had been no intruders, so it would probably be safe to open.

Sitting before the tantalizingly wrapped package, I delighted in reading the small tag attached. It had been a gift from Raito kun! Naturally, I presumed that upon my absence, he decided that he really had missed me, therefore feeling the need to go out and purchase me a gift to allow me to fully understand this.

Wiggling my fingers in delight, I revelled in untying the red ribbon, and began to pick at the meticulously taped corners. Before I gave up and mercilessly tore off the paper.

Do you know what I found inside? Sitting there, amongst the debris of paper, staring up at me innocently, almost apologetic for its mere existence…

"Huggies…extra absorbent micro fit…"

It was at that point that my height had reduced by a total of 129 cm's.

How on earth did he find out…

HOW DID HE FIND OUT!

It pains me to continue writing. Until tomorrow.

Log Out.


	4. Chapter 4

Date: 26th January 08

Height: 179cm

Weight: 50kg

BMI: 15.6

Daily Consumption: 7 coffee's w/45 sugars, 3 black teas w/6 sugars, 18 cherries, 6 panda chocolate biscuits, 2 pack strawberry mousse Pocky, 1 candy floss, 1 ice cream bowl w/ chocolate sprinkles and strawberry sauce, 14 Lindt Lindor chocolates (of various flavour)

Mood: Vindictive.

Hello, Me,

Excuse the failure to add an entry for yesterday, but I felt I required the day to recover from the whole ordeal that was Thursday, and spent my usual working hours in bed. Would not have been all that interesting to document.

Today…oh today. A hahaha (subtle laughter)

Today was a good day.

A fine day!

Currently I am sitting in my room, under the faint illumination of my desk lamp, indulging in some celebratory Lindor chocolates I had Watari bring for me as I revel in penning the entry for the day that is January 26th, 2008!

THE DAY I PWNED RAITO. (Editor: Despite the fact that L's entries are hand written, he still appears to suffer from typos. We are currently trying to render this problem, and we sincerely thank you for your patience.)

WE WILL ALL REMEMBER THIS DAY AS IT IS FOREVER IMMORTALIZED IN HISTORY BY THE POWER OF MY PARKER PEN.

It all began on a quiet morning. The atmosphere still as the sun began to rise, it's soft beams penetrating through my curtains. It had just turned 6:30 am and I was exiting the shower, towelling my hair, when I felt that something was…amiss. The equilibrium had been disturbed, so to speak.

Apprehensively, I approached my bathroom door, the steam from my recent cleansing hanging in the air like an eerie mist.

It was already open a creak, the heat escaping readily, seeping through the tiny exit as if it just couldn't wait to get away from me (not many things in this world are my friend, you see).

Pushing open the wooden barrier, hinges creaking ominously into the still morning air, I hesitantly stepped into my room, the chill biting at my wet skin.

Everything appeared normal…but, wait a minute.

My bed.

I could have sworn I had made it when I gotten up.

Yes, I had.

I clearly remembering ringing Watari to come down and straighten my sheets.

So what on earth was that dubious lump, situated beneath the covers? The sheets disrupted and abused in the un-named's wrath.

Slowly, drawing closer with the silence of a well trained assassin, I approached the bed.

I stared at the offending mass for a few moments, but to no avail.

"Bed?" I meekly called out.

No reply.

"…Bed?"

The chill was beginning to get to me. I was dripping onto the carpet, my skin exposed, my…well, let's just say he was beginning to hibernate.

And then without further coercion, the sheets began to rustle.

Taken aback I was. But not as taken aback when I was to find out that beneath the duvet, laying completely naked except for a lacy, black bra draped tastefully across his chest, was Raito kun.

There was no initial reaction suitable enough to display the magnitude of my delight, hilarity, shock, etc etc.

So I just stood before him, dripping wet, with an expression comparable to the one I wore when I discovered that lost Kit Kat atop the numerous files littering Matsuda san's desk. It had been lying, discarded, next to a cellophane wrapped sandwich and (tempting) banana. Clearly forgotten.

"Raito kun?" I had forced through gritted teeth, desperately attempting not to roar with the impending hilarity.

I could see that he was not about to wake.

Grabbing a hold of one corner of the (now infected) covers, I flung the duvet off from his naked, flat out form, creating an almighty draught that rendered me momentarily freezing.

I was greeted by two pert cheeks, peering up at me mischievously. I swear that if I had blown on a rag and polished them, they would have come up to an impeccable shine.

Those cheeks knew that they weren't meant to be there. Knew full well that they were intruding. But it just so happened that their owner was apparently none the wiser. I'll give them their due though.

They DID attempt to inform him.

If you know what I mean.

At this point, despite how cold I was, I was forced to go and crack open a window.

"What were you drinking last night, Raito kun?" I had politely enquired as I stood once again before him, my nose pinched delicately between my thumb and forefinger.

Finally, I received a reply.

Turning over, his face seemingly glued to the sheet as it followed him round, latched on at the lip, he said;

"Ry…Ryuzaki!"

I believe he was alarmed. But it was far too slurred and incoherent to correctly interpret this.

"What … are you doin' in my house…my ROOM?" (as I said, he was slurring incoherently, but I will write it as if in an coherent tongue to save time. )

"Raito kun, this is my room. You are in the headquarters. And please, stop chewing that. It is not a kebab. They are my sheets."

For a few moments, his jaw hung slack. Until he began to chew once again.

"WOAH."

Startled by his sudden outburst, I frantically peered round the room.

"Down there! Ryuzaki, y...you have a really big…"

I gazed between my legs, suddenly very aware of my hibernating friend. Grabbing the towel I had unceremoniously dumped on the floor, I swiftly wrapped it around my waist.

"Huh…? OH..OH you thought I meant your? CHRIST, NO. I was on about your rug."

"R…rug!"

"Yeah, it's shag pile isn't it?" (please try not to forget that Raito is severely incoherent at this current moment)

"Oh…oh that. yes, well observed."

"You…YOU THOUGHT I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR…well, admittedly I did catch a peek. You know, us guys, we compare. And I must say, Ryuzaki. Well, done. God was on your side when you were in the mould. Man, you musta BROKE the mould, I mean…"

"Raito kun…please, this is rather…"

"I mean, LOOK. LOOK AT ME. I'm ERECT for cryin' out loud. But you win hands down!"

At this point, he rolled off of the bed.

Do remember folks, my earlier comment of hibernation. But still I won 'hands down'.

"Raito kun, are you in need of assistance?"

"I hope you don't mind, Ryuzaki, but I borrowed your bra." His mouth against the carpet, it was becoming harder and harder to understand anything.

"Raito kun, I do not own a bra."

"Watari's then."

"Raito kun, Wa…Watari will require it back then." Forgive me, Watari. I had given up hope at this point.

"OK. Help me up."

Let me paint you a picture. The boy was lying face down, arms by his side, legs out straight, behind slightly raised (due to aforementioned condition). Buck naked.

This was to be a task.

Thinking it best to slip on my jeans first, I did just that. And then I was ready. Prepared.

Ready to grab him by the armpits and force him up…

"Raito kun…" I had panted. "You…are not…helping." He had somehow managed to make himself a dead weight.

"I love you."

I lost my grip.

"Even if you do smack my face against the floor".

I honestly hadn't meant to drop him.

"OK, Raito kun. Let's get you dressed, and get you some coffee. Sober up."

"But I don't want to get dressed." He had innocently protested.

"I came naked…for you! I heard you liked bras."

I was becoming rather unnerved.

"Raito kun, that is not why you are here. You thought that this was your house."

"But now that I am here, naked, donning a bra. Wouldn't it just be nice if I HAD come to let you view me in nothing but a bra?"

"Nothing butter bar?"

"Nothing butter bar." He agreed.

There was a moment of silence at this point, just as I reluctantly noticed the height of his posterior deflating, akin to the mechanism of a kneeling bus, or a car with a punctured tyre.

"My boner's gone."

" I noticed."

More silence.

"Ryuzaki, I lo…"

"I KNOW!"

"As long as you know."

Gathering the once again discarded towel, I draped it over the boys behind. Honestly, the man needed SOME dignity.

"Ryuzaki?"

"Yes, Raito kun?"

"Can I tell you something?"

"If you turn yourself round and actually look at me…"

Wait, maybe I didn't want him looking at me. This was becoming excruciating enough.

Exerting the effort usually required to perform the task of lifting an elephant, he eventually managed to turn himself round. Towel, by some miracle of god, remining in place to cover his shame.

Although a toothpick would have done.

"I am looking at you now."

I found this statement questionable. His eyes were half open, bloodshot to the extent of being unrecognisable, and the left one appeared to be scouting around various points of the room, whilst the other remained just about trained on me.

"Yes. I suppose you are. Go ahead then, Raito kun…"

"Ryuzaki…I"

"WAIT…ahem, wait a second." I had a feeling this was about to become rather interesting.

"Proceed," I nodded.

"I…hang on, where did you just go?"

So he DID have some strains of intelligence left hanging onto to his malfunctioning matter.

"Nowhere, Raito kun. Please, proceed."

"Ok. I like men."

My eyes widened.

Gold.

Pure gold.

"Oh? Well, Raito kun, there are many different meanings to the word 'li…"

"No, I just like men. While all the other boys hid their playboy mags, I used to stash away my issues of the Chippendales."

….

I allowed poor, misguided Raito kun to sleep off his inebriation. Mean while, I descended into work at the usual time, consumed my mornings quota of caffeine and sugar, and prepared my presentation for the briefing of the new case we had received the day before. When I had been too…crushed shall we say, to attend to my usual business.

It was not until just gone midday that Raito kun had managed to rise, and join the team.

Time to give my presentation.

Standing before the group, I introduced the basis of what we would be working on, and had even kindly prepared a tape to help demonstrate matters more fully. You see, I feel supplying talks and presentations with different forms of media allow those who are listening to immerse themselves more. Listen better. Understand more fully.

My finger hovered just before the play button.

"Raito kun, would you like to sit here at the front? I am aware that you are currently under the weather and may need to come closer to obtain a better listen."

Respectfully, he nodded, appearing somewhat grateful as he took up a chair in front of the group.

"I will now press play."

And so I did.

Initially, the body present clearly strained their ears, leaning forward, as they attempted to distinguish what was occurring through the unidentified fumbling sounds emitting from the speakers.

But soon enough, a hazy, yet at the same time conveniently distinct, voice sounded.

…"Nowhere, Raito kun. Please, proceed."

"Ok. I like men."

"Oh? Well, Raito kun, there are many different meanings to the word 'li…"

"No, I just like men. While all the other boys hid their playboy mags. I used to stash away my issues of the Chippendales."

"Well, Raito kun, I am sure that that is…normal for young boys to explore their sexual desires."

"If that's the case, then I'm still exploring at 22. The hard on I got from looking at you in a towel just now…"

Wonderful, delicious, retribution.

Yes, I feel it will be quite a while until Raito kun pulls another one of those oh so humorous pranks as in the fashion of Thursday, post counsellor.

Until tomorrow!

Log Out.


	5. Chapter 5

Date: 30th January 08

Height: 179 cm

Weight: 50 kg

BMI: 15.6

Daily Consumption: 3 coffees w/ 8 sugar cubes, 4 black teas w/ 8 sugar

cubes, 14 strawberries, 3 bananas, 1/2 strawberry cheesecake, 4 Onigiri, 1 pack dolly mixture, 3 strawberry milkshake.

Mood:

Hello, Me,

It has been four days since my last entry, if you count today as the fourth. Which I do.

And what a busy four days it has been.

First of all, we have been absent of one key team member since the 27th.

Of a Mr. Raito Yagami.

Following the presentation which took place on Saturday, midday, he hasn't returned to the headquarters, rather opting to have his mother ring up in the mornings and stiffly recite a pre-written message stating the poor health of the young man, which therefore renders him 'unable and unfit to return to work at this present moment in time'. Apparantly we will be 'informed of when Yagami Raito is in the correct physical state to rejoin the headquarters. Which will hopefully be in another weeks time'.

Personally, I feel it will take far longer than just a week to escape the private jokes and snide remarks which have been furiously circulating around the building.

But then again, that is just me.

However this is not the soul reason that I have had an excruciatingly busy time.

The main factor is down to Watari's sudden bout of illness.

That's real illness, Raito kun. (and if you are reading this, go away. This is not, and was never, originally your diary, and I certainly did not find it in the third drawer down, left side, of your office desk. Beneath the hidden panelling, which required the plastic tube of ink found inside a common biro to be inserted into a near invisible hole situated on the underneath of said drawer to disengage a cleverly constructed, extremely flammable trap, which had been set ).

Yes, Watari has fallen ill. He appears to have contracted a minor form of the flu, which has apparantly been circulating around Tokyo as of late. Thankfully, Watari is of the sturdier variety of elderly male and therefore, after evaluating his condition, I am 95% sure he will survive and return to perfect health in the foreseeable future.

But, and it is a rather rotund but, here is my problem.

Watari is this facilities key source of funding. And without him being in any fit state to go out and earn the proverbial bacon, we are lacking, quite profoundly, the requirement of cash needed to keep this place running.

And so that is why…

I had to…

Oh, dear, can I say it?

Why I had to…

to…

GO OUT AND GET A PART TIME JOB.

…

My hand quakes after penning such a confession.

Living in Tokyo, you would think it would be rather easy to just go out and acquire any form of part time work one would wish for. Especially with qualifications such as mine…

In the space of an hour, I had applied for 25 different vocations in and around the city. These included;

Tax Accountant,

Banker,

Dog groomer,

Baker,

Escort,

Yoga teacher,

School teacher,

Karate instructor,

Labourer,

Window cleaner,

Cashier,

Stock Broker,

Journalist,

Editor,

Janitor,

Door to door salesmen,

Potter,

Baby sitter,

Cartoonist,

Drugs pusher,

Hit man,

Trapeze artist,

Sweet maker,

Mc Donald's chef,

Bar man.

A majority did not even bother to get back in contact with me, which would have been the courteous thing to do.

However, in the space of an hour and a half, I received five rejection calls, and two offers for a 'taster' day.

These two days being at the night club I applied to in downtown Shinjuku, and the babysitting agency in Chiyoda.

No actual position promised but…it was a start.

The following day, the 28th, was my 2 hour trial with the babysitting agency. Having, perhaps, stretched the truth when stating in my CV that I had had years of experience working with children (I was surrounded by children at Wammy's) they decided that filling out spreadsheets in the office was far below par for I, and threw me in at the deep end by sending me to a house containing four toddlers and a baby.

Pleasantly, I complied, whilst secretly crying inside. But then my spirits perked upon remembering that children went hand in hand with sweets.

Upon arriving, I learnt that these children did not go hand in hand with sweets.

Their parents were both dentists.

I was viewed as an evil force due to my body capacity consisting of 85 percent sugar. However, they were not to know this. I would keep it under wraps…

The…Crew? Gaggle? Kindle? Oh, what is the correct term for a horde of kids? Let us just say the Pack. They are rather like pack animals, wouldn't you agree? Anyway, the Pack of Children consisted of three boys and two girls, the boys being aged between five and ten, and the girls ranging from three months to three years.

These dentists had been busy between fighting plaque and tartar.

The boys proved quite a task, mainly due to the fact that they believed being the eldest rendered them un needing of a babysitter. And also, primal hormones deriving from their dominant sex status appeared to produce some friction between us. They considered me a threat, I believe.

The girls, although calmer by nature, were an awful lot younger and therefore in greater need of care.

Who knew there was such a science involved in changing a nappy? It had taken me forty five minutes just to locate the source of the stagnant emanation, and once I had ascertained that it was in fact coming from this miniature being's behind, it took me a further 30 minutes to track down the fresh nappies.

Another ten minutes into the bleak future, and I had finally conquered unbuttoning the baby grow and removing the soiled temporary underwear and…

AND MY GOD.

Visions were presented before my unwilling eyes which I had no previous inkling as to having existed.

What was this child being fed? I had no clue because, whatever it once was had now been forever…biodegraded, into a being too horrific, too heinous. to even contemplate.

I briefly considered disposing of the child as well as the nappy, thinking I would be doing the world a greater good… but then I realized that most parents would probably not view this as a favour.

Yes, I know, some people are strange.

As my 'taster' began to draw to a close, one of the children, a boy aged 7, appeared to think of it as amusing to latch onto my finger with his abnormally strong, white dentures.

The pain momentarily stunned me. I gazed down at the child but, to my surprise, he appeared more stunned than even I! His eyes dilated in a matter of seconds and his pallor grew pasty, dark rings encircling his widened orbs. A fleeting thought occurred that maybe he had somehow transferred my DNA into his, amalgamating the two and therefore creating some form of miniature L clone.

But that is ridiculous… (or is it?)

Moments later, his jaw unlocked and I gradually eased him off of my throbbing digit and placed him neatly on the floor. Where he just sat, making no attempt to move. And then he began shaking, his teeth chattering, his colour not yet returning.

I had fifteen minutes before his parents were to return home.

And I had just apparently sent a child into comatose.

I hadn't left traces of cyanide on my hands again, had I!

Spying the detailed poster of a dissected molar on the refrigerator, I suddenly connected the pieces, unsure of how I had initially missed to oh so obvious answer.

This child had just suffered a sugar rush.

Simply by sampling my finger.

Yes, it all made perfect sense. A child who was unused to such sweet substances, it was the only possible conclusion.

"Child number 4," I had announced to him. "You are now experiencing a 'sugar come down'. You will be ok soon. However, please do not inform your parents of this."

That cleared that up.

I quickly made my exit via the kitchen window, after quickly deciding that I did not wish to confront the parents and have to explain myself.

And so concludes the tale of taster day number 1.

Now, the 29th . Number 2 is more interesting, for I had not anticipated such a thing.

I had applied for late night bar work in a small, back alley club, complete with semi lit neon sign emblazoning the words 'God's Almighty Yard'. I was extremely dubious after taking note of this rather obscure name. What on earth could it mean! But I was also desperate.

Arriving a little earlier than I was needed, I searched for about twenty minutes for the front entrance. Before giving up and discreetly entering through the back door, in hopes that nobody would think I was attempting to break in.

Upon meeting the owner, a strapping six foot tall, Swedish, blonde chap donning rainbow suspenders (The kind you wear to keep your trousers aloft) I politely apologized for having had entered through the wrong door, due to the fact that I could not find the front entrance.

"Oh, we don't have a front entrance here! Everybody enters through the back door." At which point he elbowed me quite heartily, jarring my shoulder rather forcibly and rendering me ever so confused.

Why on earth…?

Before I began my training, I was shown to a small room situated next to the toilets in which I was instructed to change into my provided uniform.

I was left to my own devices.

However, after 20 minutes, I had to admit defeat and ask to kind owner to assist me as to what goes where…for I had no clue.

Once I was dressed, I emerged from the room and was shown to a mirror.

"May I remove the mask?" I politely asked. "I cannot see a thing."

"Here!" Came the hearty offer.

The sound of zips unlinking startled me slightly.

Suddenly, I could see.

And I could also see why I previously could not see.

Upon my face was a black, PVC mask which encased my whole head. Across my eyes were two open zips, and where my mouth should be located was one long one.

My work shirt was in fact two belts fashioned across my torso to form an 'X' shape, cleverly concealing my nipples.

And my work trousers… Well, they were actually just work briefs. Well, no, not really. They were work thongs. Well…okay…

They were PVC work thongs…

Need I say more?

No I needn't say more. So please, don't ever make me say more.

I decided against asking the purpose of the uniform, for attempting to walk towards the bar was proving a task in itself. In the end, I settled on walking in a manner akin to a crab, for it ceased the PVC from pulling out my leg hairs, and almost desisted the thongs from producing a high pitched squeaking sound.

The owner glanced over at me, enquiring as to whether I had had a good time last night.

"Excuse me?" I said as my pants gave off one last squeak.

"I can see a tell tale walk from anywhere!" He had jovially bellowed.

The sooner I got out of there, the better.

After being shown the ropes behind the bar, it was opening time.

There were many punters asking after the new boy. Apparently it was quite an exciting event to see 'new meat'.

To my surprise, an English patron had entered, and requested from me a pint of bitter. I did not think such a thing would be served here, but alas, it was. By now, you would have thought that this establishment would cease to surprise me.

Unused to pouring such beverages, it came into this world consisting of half amber coloured liquid and, bobbing merrily on top, half froth.

"Excuse me, I am new here. Shall I remove the head?"

I received a roving eye and a subtle wink.

"No." He breathed "I like a lot of head."

I must remember to ask Watari as to what this gentleman could have meant by such a comment.

Time was dragging by, the cramped bar actually thriving with…colourful, you could call them, customers.

But at around 1 am, one particular customer caught my eye.

He entered with a young man, I would say around the age of 20- 21, both donning spiked dog collars, netted shirts and nipple rings, to which were attached a chain connecting the two.

They were clearly well known around here as they were stopped numerous times with bellowed greetings and private handshakes before they had made it to the bar.

"Ah, new here, are you?" The intriguing male purred.

"Yes, Raito kun, I started today."

His eyes lit up.

"So, my reputation proceeds me?"

"Not quite, Raito kun." I paused. "Oh, and nice to see you have recovered." I began to nonchalantly polish a glass.

Raito suddenly stopped, realization dawning. His face paling.

"Are you okay, Raito kun?"

No reply. Or reaction for that matter. The male attached to him at the nipple tapped him on the cheek to bring him back into the conscious world.

"Raito kun, have you ever read your name backwards?"

A small, soulless shake of the head.

"You haven't?"

Another small shake.

"Well, Raito kun, try it now."

His lips moved, but barely a sound came out.

"A little louder, please."

"Imagay…"

"Now space out the separate syllables."

"Im a gay…"

I nodded curtly.

"Enough said."

And that, my friends, concludes my four whole days without entries.

I am pleased to report that upon coming home, Watari appears a lot brighter and shall soon be returning to work. I am unsure as to when we will be seeing Raito kun again, however. Hopefully soon.

Until tomorrow.

Log Out.


	6. Chapter 6

Date: 2nd February 08

Height: 179 cm

Weight: 50 kg

BMI: 15.6

Daily Consumption: 10 coffees m/ 12 sugars, 3 black teas w/5 sugars, 2 pack pocky, 12 gum drops, 15 pack skittles, 1 trifle,1 melon w/ pancetta, 1 slice strawberry cheesecake.

Mood: Terrified.

Hello, Me,

Normality has been restored. Watari has thankfully returned back to good health and our favourite friend Yagami Raito has returned to headquarters.

Admittedly, by force.

Through the zipped confinements of my 'Gimp' mask (I believe it's called) on that night at the bar, I gently promised him that if his mother was to call again in the morning, I would be forced to inform her of her son's activities, to which he had, unbelievably, retorted that she was already aware of her son's current status; attached via the nipple to a fellow gay-man.

For a moment, I considered using the threat of expelling him from the building, permanently, but I knew that he would never fall for that. I could never fire Raito kun.

He makes such a perfect cheesecake.

Being the sly bean that I am, I decided to use my initiative, and slinked up to the boy in my somewhat restrictive (yet, oh so conversely, freeing!) outfit, toying lazily with his adjoining chain and pushing my thigh up against his groin, whispering a promise that there would be more of this at the office…if only he'd come back…

Before turning promptly on my heel and wiggling my PVC clad behind back to the bar.

He shortly departed the bar after which, with a hard on prominent enough to signal a taxi.

Oh hell, prominent enough to signal airplanes on the run way. I was just being modest a minute ago.

God only knows what he did to that small Porto Rican man once they had returned home.

Anyway, back to the point. So that is how I persuaded Raito kun to return to work.

Over the past couple of days, I have received rather a fright. A fright to which I am not quite in the all clear as to yet.

I have…how shall I put it?…been suffering from certain symptoms.

Symptoms of a rather delicate nature.

And I have visited a specialist…

And now…I am just awaiting the results.

I suppose I can confess to you, Diary. After all, I have kept it bottled up. And I did have to reveal my fears to an absolute stranger at the hospital yesterday.

Plus, I am certain you won't laugh at me.

Mainly due to the fact that it is not physically possible.

But anyway, something occurred to me the other night , when I returned home from the bar, that led me to believe that I…that I might be…

Pregnant.

deep breath.

You see, I was rather…sick when I got back. I actually threw up twice. And I have never once in my entire life expelled such fluids in that manner.

I wasn't ill. And I hadn't eaten anything bad. So that only left one conclusion;

I, , must be pregnant.

And I am a genius. So I should know.

So, moving on. The next morning I decided to head to the office a little earlier to allow myself some privacy whilst searching this predicament on the net.

And also I had wanted to avoid bumping into Raito on course to his office.

I was not quite ready to fulfil that promise of mine just yet.

My plan of action was to acquire a list of pregnancy symptoms from a trustworthy internet source.

So Wikipedia it was.

Tender nipples,

Vomiting: check,

Frequent need to urinate,

Positive pregnancy test,

Fluctuating weight: check,

Food cravings (i.e. sweet things); CHECK, CHECK, CHECK,

Aversion to certain foods (I.e. savouries, curries etc) CHECK.

So as you can see…

I have reason to worry.

At around 7:45AM, Raito kun graced us with his presence. A star bucks in one hand and a paper wrapped slice of fried carcass embedded in a piece of flat bread accompanied by garlic sauce… I believe he referred to it as a kebab, in the other.

As he drew closer, I was suddenly struck by a potent stench that caused my throat to seize up and my eyes to water. (thankfully I was wearing waterproof mascara).

"Excuse me, Raito kun," I had choked. "But I must excuse myself for the facilities."

At which point I had to run off and deposit my mornings quota of sweet goods into the toilet bowl.

…Morning sickness.

After much careful debate with myself, I had finally decided on a suitable course of action. I would consult the hospital.

After stating to the infuriating woman on the other end of the line that I would require an appointment regarding my probable pregnancy, no not for my girlfriend, for me, about ten times over, I finally received an emergency slot with a Dr. Tekamah .

Before I had left, I departed with a swift lie to Watari of my whereabouts (I was investigating a small case in the children's play park. There had been serious reports of severe name calling), and swiped that abominable sample of takeaway food from Raito kun's desk (which had been mysteriously left uneaten) to use as evidence of my apparent aversion to savoury foods.

As I did not have Watari to aid me in my journey, I had to find my own means on transport. I considered the bus, but visions of myself being thrown out of the padded benches, as such, every time the vehicle required stopping due to my idiosyncratic manner of sitting, or having to place myself betwixt flurries of old ladies making their way to the bingo hall (or maybe they don't play bingo over here. Ok, the mah-jong hall?) convinced me otherwise.

"Watari!" I had announced, having made up my mind after those chilling images "I am taking the bird."

I was now donning my aviators and brown leather jacket, trimmed with real faux fur.

"Bird?" He asked, a little nonplussed.

"'Chopper."

"As in one of those low riding bicycles with the ridiculously tall handle bars? Ryuuzaki, you will look redic…"

"The helicopter."

"Oh, forgive me. But, for the park?"

"Watari," I said, pushing up my aviators, and shrugging my jacket in a manner that exuded dominance. "There are some big bullies out there…"

And off I strode, my silhouette backed beautifully by the blinding lights of the…computer monitor.

It turns out that taking the helicopter may have been a bad idea. You see, there was only one space available. And it was on the roof.

But at least it was empty.

So there I parked.

To my surprise, as I departed from 'the bird', I was met by a dozen or so panic faced drs., two of which hurriedly approached me with a stretcher.

"I know I've gone private now but I didn't expect this kind of service."

I called out.

Once it had been ascertained that I was not in fact the emergency helicopter, they became rather angry and insisted that I moved my vehicle.

So that is why I ended up parking it back at headquarters and taking the

Bus.

(during the journey a little old lady who informed me she was heading to her weekly mah-jong game handed me 40 yen…the equivalent of about thirty pence… because she believed I was in need of fattening up. Not an entirely wasted journey).

Due to this I was ten minutes late for my appointment.

Dr. Tekamah's office was bland. And cold. And white. And sterile. I now understand as to why Watari insisted I see a child's councillor… There certainly wasn't any colourful cave paintings in here, no sir!

I was actually rather led to believe that this man may have been one to indulge his sadistic side…for there were numerous models and full colour posters of rather macabre cross sections of various body parts.

I mean to say, if you have fetishes, save it for the privacy of your own home, not the work place. Even Raito kun is aware of this rule.

"So…you're into disembodied limbs? I see, rather…rather quaint one could say." It was all I could think of to say to break the silence.

For some reason however, I did not receive an answer. Merely a cold look before turning back to scribbling frantically into his notes before finally addressing me and my apparent problem.

"Now, Ryuuzaki, you rang claiming to be under the impression that you are pregnant. Correct?"

I nodded.

"You do realize…that you are male."

I hesitated.

Then nodded.

"…Ok. As long as that is clear. So then, you should be aware that male's cannot get pregnant?"

Again, I nodded. I was becoming dizzy from it actually. (morning sickness).

"So, what is it that makes you think you are?" I must give it to him, he kept his patience.

"I was sick. Twice last night, once this morning." I spoke curt and to the point.

He nodded, gesturing his hand as if telling me to continue.

"I am never sick. I am not ill, nor have I eaten anything that was containing any form of virus. So the only other option is pregnancy."

"Ok, Ryuzaki," He leant forward on his chair. Twiddling his thumbs, as is the requirement of all good doctors. "What were you doing the night

before?"

"I was working. At a bar in town."

"And did you have anything to drink?"

"Just water. A few glasses. Although, it did have rather a strong smell, and I began to develop a sort of burning at the back of my throat. I solved it however by just drinking more water."

He frowned and returned to scribbling randomly structured sentences into his notes.

"So, you were drinking vodka all night. That would be why you were sick."

Wait a minute…

Did he not listen? I decided to let that one slide.

"Well, even so, that does not explain my aversion to savoury foods. This morning my colleague came into work with this…" At this point I retrieved the 'kebab' and handed it to the good man. "Upon smelling it, I extracted my breakfast into the toilet bowl against my own will."

He peered at the evidence before throwing it into the bin..

"No wonder you were sick. It smells rotten. It must have been left out all night."

Why is it that Dr's always contradict everything you tell them?

My temper was growing short!

And we all remember what happened last time.

Yes, I had raised my voice.

He did not want to hear me raise my voice, no sir.

"I must say, however, that you do appear to have a rather lacteal skin tone… You look to me to be anaemic."

"Yes, that was my next point!"

Finally, he seemed to be understanding.

"I only have cravings for sweet things."

"Well, yes, you are clearly lacking in iron. But this would only come from years of not eating a stable diet. How long have you had these 'cravings'?"

"I have only ever eaten sweet things, " I replied, almost smug that he could not counter this fact.

"Well, the its not a craving, is it? It is just your natural preference."

….

After half an hour of my gentle insistence that I could well be pregnant, he began to wilt somewhat and offered me one last suggestion.

"I will refer you to the gynaecologist. She will examine you and put your mind at rest."

"Oh, Guynaecologist? Is that the male's equivalent?"

I received a cold stare.

I was only enquiring…

My visit to the gynaecologist was far shorter than my previous one with Dr. Tekamah's.

"When was it that you last had sexual intercourse?"

"I am yet to have sexual intercourse."

At which point she sent me home without further word.

The Dr's had failed me, I felt alone and frightened. So, I bit the bullet and ducked into a pharmacists on the way back, purchasing a home pregnancy test.

And now I wait.

The white stick is sitting before me.

The small window not quite ready with the answer I so desperately crave.

The answer that could possibly change my life.

Oh, someone is knocking on my door? I will not be a second diary.

It was Raito kun.

Enquiring after his kebab. He was hoping that I hadn't eaten it (as likely as that is), due to the fact that he had left it on his desk momentarily before disposing of it. He had apparently found it in his coat pocket on the way to work that morning and had no idea how long it had taken root there for.

Hmm. Maybe the Dr was right about one thing.

Before he left, a sudden notion had struck me. What if I HAD had sex?

But I did not know it? Was that possible? What if, just possibly, I had been unconscious? I had after all left Raito kun with promises of such things…

What if he had taken me up on it when I was not aware!

I had suddenly broken out into a sweat soaked panic.

"Ryuuzaki, your mascaras running again." (Waterproof indeed.)

"Raito kun…"

"What…?"

"Have….DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME LAST NIGHT!"

His eyes had widened impossibly so. From mirth? Or GUILT?

His raucous laughter confirmed it was mirth.

"No, Ryuuzaki, I think you'd…" small hip thrust inserted here "remember a night like that." And with that he swaggered off towards the toilets.

Where he didn't come out for another twenty or so minutes.

Come to think of it, what was that magazine in his hand just now?

Anyway, it is now time for my results…

Dear lord, I really did pick the slowest response pregnancy test in the

whole shop. Trust me.

My hands are shaking.

I can't bear to look.

If I squint my eyes…

Then maybe it will be easier to absorb the bad news…

Oh god…

Am I…

I'm…

It says…

Oh shit.

It…I just swore, that's how bad this actually is.

It says I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

Oh wait…

No, no I'm not.

I misread the results.

Ok.

Time…

To…

Go…

And…

Faint…

From…

The…

Sheer…

Relief…

Sometimes I really doubt my genius.

Until Tomorrow,

Log Out.


	7. Chapter 7

Date: 7th February 08

Height: 179 cm

Weight: 50 kg

BMI: 15.6

Daily Consumption: 10 coffees w/ 12 sugars, 5 black teas w/3 sugars, 1 chocolate mousse, 3 lollipops, 24 cherries, 1 trifle, 16 strawberries, 1 slice chocolate cake, 2 bananas, 3 pack panda biscuits.

Mood: Excited.

Hello Me,

Today I was in for a lovely surprise courtesy of my wonderful colleague Matsuda san.

As he strolled into headquarters this morning, donning an exuberant expression which only managed to render him rather much looking like an ignoramus, he approached me with what appeared to be some form of news paper clipping flapping about in his hand.

"Ryuzaki!" He had cried, as if it were a surprise to find me here. Of all places.

"Matsuda san." I nodded, not bothering to tear my attention away from my gripping session of solitaire.

"Fancy seeing you here!" He waited with an expectant silence.

"Yes, actually, I am quite surprised to see you here, too." I turned and fixed him with my most daunting glare.

Sadly, it had no effect.

He countered daunting glare with oblivious stare.

"It is Saturday, Matsuda san. Headquarters is closed."

Realization dawned.

"Oh, yes I already knew that, Ryuzaki!"

This man, is in all honesty, hopeless.

I resumed with my game of Solitaire, having quickly decided which out of the two held the most interest.

And then, without warning, a hand slapped down before me on my desk, leaving in its wake a crudely torn piece of newspaper.

"What is this, Matsuda san?"

"That, Ryuzaki…"

"Before you explain, fetch me a cup of coffee."

I did not mean to be so rude to the man.

But he really was getting on my nerves.

"That, Ryuzaki…" He began after presenting before me the steaming cup.

"You forgot the sugar."

"You haven't even…"

"I can smell that there is no sugar,"

As he forlornly returned to the kitchen, I took this opportunity to neatly wrap up my game of Solitaire.

Ryuzaki: One…wait, hang on. I won. But I was competing against nobody…so who lost? The computer didn't…I suppose that is why they call it solitaire.

This will not do. I am fuelled by a burning desire to win. But if I win, and nobody looses…where does that leave me?

EMPTY, THAT'S WHERE.

At this point, Matsuda san returned with a bowl full of sugar cubes. A nice selection of brown ones. And white ones. And black ones. What the hell was that all about?

"Well done, Matsuda san," I said, whilst spooning in a mixed variety of sugared colours. Even the black ones.

He revelled noticeably at the complement.

"That, Ryuzaki, " He began once again, not bothering to change his delivery. "Is your date."

…

…date?

As the words settled in, I slowly lowered my eyes to the coffee drenched paper clipping set out before me.

And…

"HOLY SHIT."

Both Matsuda san and I were a little taken aback by my outburst.

Eventually, he recovered and dug me in the side in an annoying manner with his elbow, whilst wiggling his eyebrows profusely.

"Eh? Eh? Waddaya think, ay?"

"I am thinking of strawberries and cream and cakes and wan…"

I stopped myself before I completed that sentence.

"and wan…. Wan what?"

"Wan….your own business…" I faltered on the comeback, knowing full well it made no wanking sense.

After staring at the picture of the semi clad woman, stretched rather provocatively across the bed and looking up at me with her black and white printed eyes, I suddenly realized it would be a good idea to question just what on earth Matsuda san had meant by my 'date'.

"I won you a date with her!" Beaming expression.

…won…me…a date?

"Excuse me, Matsuda san?" I was certainly not following.

"This is Misa Misa. She is one of Japans top models at the moment. There was a competition to win an evening with her, probably some way to boost her advertising or whatever. Anyway, I wrote off, explaining why I felt my friend Ryuzaki would be perfect for the date, and I got the reply this morning!"

….I did not like the sound of this.

It almost felt like a mild form of prostitution.

"So…what did you write about me, Matsuda san?" I asked cautiously.

"Oh this and that. Mainly that you're loaded." still beaming.

Oh...so that's how it is.

"Nothing about my lean physique? Mysterious eyes? Unmatched intelligence?"

The man paused for a moment whilst he racked his brains. I do not know why it took him so long. Surely the area to search in there was rather

diminutive.

"No." he eventually supplied.

I looked back down upon the piece of paper, this Misa Misa, half naked and stained brown.

Regardless, she still looked rather delicious.

However, I was slightly put off by the apparent need to name yourself twice. It almost radiated a lack in intelligence.

"Anyway," Matsuda san chirped up from nowhere. "Date starts at seven. You're set to meet her at one of those fancy restaurants downtown."

"Which one?"

"One of those food ones."

And with that, he hurriedly took off, mumbling something about needing to do the laundry for his mum.

Panic.

At around five, I decided it was time to go and choose myself an outfit.

Despite popular belief, I do own more than one outfit.

However, a majority of them are of the same design.

I figured that I would consult Watari on this one.

"Watari?" I had meekly called into my cell phone, as I stood before the full length mirror concealed inside my wardrobe, in nothing but my boxers. "Could you please come to my room? I am in some need of assistance."

He arrived within 5.2 seconds.

"L, what can I do for you?"

"Watari, in two hours I will be attending a date, and I need your assistance in choosing a suitable outfit."

I witnessed him noticeably stiffen in the reflection of the mirror.

"L…"

I turned around to see him perch himself neatly on the edge of my bed.

"Please, take a seat." He patted the duvet.

I stared at him blankly before apprehensively drawing up a chair and crouching upon it.

"Now, there comes a time…"

Oh dear…

"In…a young man's life…"

Oh god…

"When…you begin to get certain….uhhh…urges. Urges which make you want to do…things."

"Sex, Watari."

A faint blush appeared on his cheeks.

"Yes, L, that is what I was getting at. Thank you for being so straightforward."

I suddenly became very aware of my lack of clothing. Reaching for a discarded pillow down by the bed, I placed it modestly over my nipples.

"A man's first time is a very special…moment. And should be reserved for the one…you love."

Back up a second.

"My first time, Watari?"

"Yes, L…"

"You think that I am a virgin?"

An awkward silence drifted in like an invisible patch of tumbleweed.

"Yes, L…?"

"Well… I am not, thank you. We have all experienced wild college days… even though I did not attend college…I still experienced the more…fruitful aspects of this era of my life…"

I cleared my throat.

"One night, after a glass of red wine I…touched a girls breast."

Watari's expression was one of utter shock.

"But do not worry! We used protection…she was…she was wearing a bra…"

The man shifted uncomfortably.

I wish I had not had to reveal this to him, but I was not prepared to sit here and be accused of being a virgin at the age of 29.

"L…that is not sexual intercourse."

Excuse me?

"That was harmless fondling."

Oh.

Well, that's embarrassing .

"Now, if you find yourself unable to resist these urges, please, use precautions."

Gradually, my eyes widened in horror as Watari began to delve into his pocket and rummage momentarily.

"L…take these with you."

My hand seemed to open as if of its own will as he pressed two foil wrapped condoms into it. My fingers automatically wrapped around them and, in a manner akin to a robot, I said;

"Thank. You. Wa. Ta. Ri."

Curtly, he nodded.

"Now, let us find you something to wear."

I remained fixed in the chair, staring at the same spot for twenty minutes, clutching hold of the pillow as Watari chose for me an outfit.

The whole time I wondered why on earth he was in possession of such items, whilst simultaneously trying to banish my mind of the thought.

Within the next hour I was clothed in my 'date' attire.

Blue jeans, a long sleeved black t shirt and clean trainers.

I have to admit, I had thought to myself whilst admiring my profile in the mirror, I was lookin' sharp.

It was soon time to go.

I suddenly found myself wracked with nerves.

What would I say? How do I act? It wasn't even a regular date… there must be limits?

Before I could protest, I was steered into the Rolls' by Watari.

And before I knew it, we had pulled up outside the brightly lit restaurant that we had eventually managed to pull the name out of Matsuda.

I nervously peered out of the window, refusing to exit the car until I spotted Miss Misa Misa.

For a moment, I swore I saw a petite blonde donning pigtails and a black netted skirt, who I thought must have been my 'date', but as I began to exit the car, the young lady had skittered off.

Oh, I must have been mistaken.

Minutes later, another girl materialized where the previous one had been standing.

There was something…peculiar however.

This one also had her hair pulled into pigtails, and appeared to be wearing a very similar skirt to the previous blonde.

There were a few key differenced however. This young lady was a fair few inches shorter, a couple of pounds heavier and her face came equipped with a pair of thick, black glasses and freckles.

Could…could it be her?

She certainly looked different from her photo…

The girl standing there moments previously had actually bore an uncanny resemblance to the model…but it might have just been my eyes playing tricks on me.

This must be her.

I stepped out of the car and approached this lady.

My god.

"Are you Misa Misa?"

The girl nodded, revealing two daintily placed protruding front teeth as she smiled.

I was overcome.

"You are even more beautiful in real life!" I could not help but gush, for I had never seen such perfection in the flesh.

Of course, that is not including Raito kun's hair.

"You think so!" Her voice was like an angel's, held back only by a small sinus problem.

She sniffed greatly, attempting to clear her nasal capacity.

I raised an arm for her to take.

"Shall we?"

And so we shalled…did. And so we did. Into the restaurant where it became evident that we both shared a passion for copious amounts of sweet goods, followed only by further sweet goods.

I love to see a girl with an appetite. And an appetite she did have.

As the night drew to an end, a heavy feeling descended on my heart.

"I suppose I will not be able to see you again…Misa Misa?"

She looked up at me desperately, her eyes suddenly wild.

I was mildly taken aback.

"Why not!" A small portion of spittle flecked her cheek.

"Because…this was just a competition?" I asked, suddenly attaining a feeling of uncertainty.

Misa Misa at this point, looked down towards the pavement, her shoulders suddenly jerking.

Jerking violently.

Uhhh…

Crap.

"Are you crying?"

A tear streaked face was thrust towards mine as a garbled stream of sentences was choked out.

"Excuse me?"

"I…said…heave…that…heave…I'm…HEAVE…not…MISA MISA!"

Fear gripped me. Was this some kind of stalker? Was I about to get abducted!

"What do you mean?" I asked in a small voice, terrified to put a foot wrong in case I was about to get mugged.

"She…she saw…you heave…and…ran…off heave…because…because…SHE DIDN'T WANNA GO ON THE DATE WHEN SHE SAW YOU! heeeeave so…so…so…she…came and

got m…m…m…ME!"

I suddenly wished that it was just a mugging I was being subjected to.

Misa, I mean, the girl continued to heave and cry and leak from various orifices whilst I snuck off round the corner, escaping into the Rolls' Watari had waiting for me.

We drove back in silence, Watari clearly picking up on my signals of woe.

All I wanted to do was return to my room, slump upon my bed and eat my weights worth in cherries.

With sugar.

However, I was not to receive my humble wish.

As I had opened my door, a hand stopped me before I was to flick on the light.

A mugger!

"Do not turn on the light"

A hushed voice floated into my ear.

I turned to look at the offender but it was too dark. All I could make out was a silhouette, a male of about my height.

"Raito kun?" I questioned.

An agitated sigh.

"So, L…where have you been tonight?"

"Raito kun, I…" But before I had a chance to progress further than his name followed by referring to myself in the first person, I was hastily interrupted, a sentence so vehement that despite the lack of lighting, I could feel the anger from his glare emanating towards me, making my skin tingle. It was slightly annoying. I brushed my cheek as if to suggest he had just flecked me with spittle.

"I have been waiting here four three hours. Waiting. For you!" The interruption came hurtling toward me at high speed with terribly screechy levels.

I stared blankly, willing for him to depart. Or at least explain himself.

"I am to believe that you have just been on a date, Ryuzaki?" At this point he stood up, tapping his foot against the carpet at a furious pace.

"Yes, Raito kun." I replied blankly.

He walked towards me, a look of contempt across his features.

"I thought you made a promise to me." He hissed.

"W…What! What promise!"

He folded his arms against his puffed out chest, staring just past my face to an unknown point on the wall.

"Oh... Just a promise you made... In the club that time."

Oh.

That promise.

The empty one.

The bribe.

Bugger.

Which may actually be quite accurate.

"Raito kun, all I said was that you would receive some attention at the office… Not that I would refrain from going on any dates."

That's it, put him down gently.

"Is that so?" He seethed, chewing his bottom lip.

"Yes?"

"Well, in that case, I wish to redeem some of this promised attention."

Raito kun now assumed the position of a bird. Arms by his side, behind protruding outwards, leaning forwards, lips puckered, eyes shut.

My chest heaved with the urge to laugh.

As a whole minute passed by without a reaction from me, he cracked open one eye.

"Well, Ryuzaki? Just one kiss and I will go…"

My brain whirred.

Eventually, I responded.

"Ok, Raito kun. But you must keep your eyes shut."

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

"Just give me a moment."

He nodded, squeezing his eyes firmly shut.

Shaking out my limbs, I readied myself.

And left the room.

Very quietly.

I returned a moment later.

Very quietly…

…

…

…

"Wow…"

"There, Raito kun. Are you happy now?"

He opened his eyes, his cheeks blushed, a dazed look gracing his features.

"Mmmhmmm…"

"Okay, now please, will you go home. You must stop letting yourself into my room. Especially out of hours."

And with that, the boy left.

None the wiser.

…

Watari.

I am forever in your debt.

But now, I really must go to bed and sulk.

Until next time.

Log Out.


	8. Chapter 8

-1Date: 15th February 08

Height: 179 cm

Weight: 50 kg

BMI: 15.6

Daily Consumption: 3 coffees w/ 6 sugar cubes, 4 black teas w/ 8 sugar cubes, 9 cherries, 1 banana, 1 ½ strawberry cheesecake slices, small chocolate gateaux, 2 ice cream cones.

Mood: Inebriated.

Hello, Me,

Today I have had to (you may have to sit down for this)…

I have had to (Oh, I am slightly ashamed)…

I have had to…take the day off of work.

Yes, I know, it is appalling, but in all my defence it has never happened before!

This is my first day of sick leave in 14 years!

It's no good, no matter how much I try to justify this, I cannot clear

my guilt… you see, I am not exactly ill…so to speak.

And I have also lied to Watari, informing him that I appear to be suffering from some form of flu.

The truth is, I have a hangover.

Yes, a hangover. Me, L, the Best Detective in the World ™,due to a celebration of Raito kun's birthday.

The date had to be shifted, you see, as we are beginning a very important case around the 28th, therefore I had to inform Raito kun that if he were to miss anymore days of work, especially due to alcohol consumption (did I just hear chorus' of 'hypocrite'?) he would be swiftly deported from Japan.

So, due to this, last night I attended a very interesting house party at chez Yagami.

Initially, I must admit that I was rather nervous. I had never attended one of these birthday parties. However, I had viewed events as such via the television. So there was a vague idea in my head as of what to expect, and as to what was expected of me.

The event itself began at 8:30 pm, and I finished work at 5, so this gave me three and a half hours to retrieve the provisions I required for the evening ahead.

2 hours and 15 shops later, and I was prepared.

Now, just to check that I had everything.

Party hat: check,

Party poppers: check,

Coloured streamers: check,

Various juice boxes: check,

Box of popular party games age 5+ : check,

Gift: check.

Right, everything was in order.

I had heard of the tradition amongst this generation that it was

procedure to arrive 'fashionably late', so at 8:32pm I politely rapped upon Raito kun's front door.

There was no answer.

I frowned, a little confused, as I proceeded to knock again, this time a little louder.

Still no answer.

I then noticed that I could still hear the sound of the Roll's engine rumbling humbly away behind me and turned to find Watari peering at me somewhat concerned.

I attempted to shoo him away, not wishing for Raito kun and his friends to find me standing here, being watched over by my senior until I had safely entered his domain.

But he remained parked there, mouthing something which I believed to be 'I'll just wait until you get in', followed by a small, good naturedly nod.

Mortifying.

I knocked again whilst also leaning over to peer into the living room window.

The curtains were shut and it was suitably dark inside.

Had I got the wrong day?

And then finally the door was opened, a blast of indistinguishably loud music met my ears, and a horde of young adults could be seen dancing somewhat provocatively up against each other all the way down the hall.

Raito kun stood before me, apparently sober (much to my surprise) and looked me up and down with his judgementally narrowed eyes.

The variety of juice boxes and party games seemed to physically deflate in my grasp as I quickly learned that this was not the type of party I had ever witnessed on TV.

I covertly deposited them into the flower bed by the front door as I stepped inside, consumed by the throng of sweating bodies.

"Glad you could make it, Ryuzaki," Raito had shouted (over the music) whilst snapping the forgotten coned party hat against my head, the stinging of the elastic personifying my sheer embarrassment of recalling it's existence.

"Of course, Raito kun," I had politely replied, ripping said item from my head, before coyly placing it over his in an act of birthday generosity "H…happy birthday."

As I did so, a scantily clad women grinded against me, pushing me into the birthday boys pectoral area, my cheek squashed comically against his chest, before I was yanked by the arm and back into the wave of intoxicated youngun's and squeezed up against aforementioned woman's exposed cleavage.

Nipples…everywhere.

Before I knew it, I was snatched away once again (was I really such a novelty?) and pulled into the embrace of Raito kun. At this point he appeared to hiss something in the general direction of the woman, which I could just make out to be; 'He's mine, bitch'.

I was then dragged into the living area which contained more of the same.

Much to my surprise I spotted a familiar face.

It was the small Porto Rican from the club!

Wearing… not much.

He had bounded up to Raito kun chirpily, pointedly ignoring myself may I add, and began exclaiming things in very broken Japanese.

However, I did catch the words 'truth' and 'dare', to with Raito kun initially snorted at…before a wide grin spread slowly across his face.

I began to worry.

And rightly so.

Instantly, the light was switched on and the music turned off, a booming announcement from my (sober, may I remind) colleague inviting those who wished to participate in a game of truth or dare.

About six of the thirty present in the room gathered. The remainder looking on rather un amused before filing out into the hallway and kitchen to where the real party continued.

Before we were seated into a neatly formed circle in the middle of the room, some form of beverage was thrust into my hand.

I sniffed it curiously, my eyes suddenly overcome by the strong fumes.

"What is it?" I asked towards the person who looked to be the most Raito esque figure in the room, through my watery, squinted eyes.

"it's procedure, Ryuuzaki. You have to drink this before we begin." He sat down next to me and threw back his own drink with ease.

Me, being cool, followed.

I threw up a little afterwards. But I had to swallow it back again… you know…to save face n' all.

Before we began, there were a few rules voiced by Ring-Leader-Yagami.

One: You had two options; truth or dare.

Two: If you forfeit, you have to take a double shot.

Three: You have to take a shot on your go, regardless of if you forfeit.

Ok, simple enough.

The small Porto Rican suddenly spoke up, a look of sleazy promising written on his face. "Raito kun, since it's your birthday, you pick fi…"

"Ryuuzaki, truth or dare?"

He must have been quite eager to ask me.

A shot was shoved into my unwilling hand. All eyes were on me.

Tentatively, I sipped it, before a hand seemingly from nowhere shoved the burning liquid down my throat.

Once I had just about recovered, I managed to wheeze 'truth'.

I mean, what do I have to hide?

"Okay, Ryuzaki…" Raito began to tap his chin and suddenly my nerves were wrought. "Have you ever…hmm…okay, right, I got it. Ryuzaki…have you ever masturbated over anybody in this room…?" A devilish glint appeared in his eye.

My eyes took a moment or two to focus on his face.

The room collectively held it's breath.

All eyes turned on me.

"No."

"Yagami, that was crap." Piped up a voice from the other side of the circle. A male of about 25.

A small tense moment of silence arose.

"Well, let's see if Ryuzaki can do better then…"

Okay…I knew nobody here except for Raito kun and his small imported boyfriend. And I only knew the birthday boys name. Surely it would look weird if I asked Raito straight after he asked me?

But what else could I do?

"Raito kun, truth or dare?"

I poured him a snifter of the poisoned liquid and handed it to him whilst I asked.

"Truth, "He retorted with confidence after throwing back the liquid.

"Okay then. Have you ever woken up naked in the bed of one of your colleagues after a gay night out and confessed your love to said colleague, whilst declaring that said colleagues anatomy is far greater than your own and obtaining an erection in the process?"

The room grew silent.

"You are under oath here, Raito kun." I gently reminded him. He wasn't at all, but he was beginning to look a little woozy so he may just believe me.

"It has happened on one occasion…" He said to his feet.

The circle of partygoers erupted.

"Yagami, he totally whooped you!" This coming from the male of 25 mentioned previously.

"Your go, Raito k…"

"RYUZAKI, truth or dare!"

"Dare." I downed my shot.

"Remove an item of clothing!"

He thought he had me here. What else do I usually wear other than jeans and a t shirt? Well, thanks to good ol' Watari, I had been educated in party etiquette and had come equipped with socks.

I removed one.

"Raito kun, truth or dare?"

"TRUTH!" He yelled after his shot.

"Do you frequent a gay bar?"

"…Yes… Ryuuzaki, truth or dare!"

I drank my shot. "Truth."

"Have you ever worked in a gay bar!"

"Yes, truth or dare?"

"Truth!" (shot)

"Have you ever slept with a man?"

"Yes! Truth or dare?"

"Truth" (shot)

"Have you ever even had sex?"

"Yes…wait no! I have fondled. Truth or dare?"

"Dare!" (shot)

"Do the Fandango…Nude."

(And so he did)

"T…truth or dare!" (he was out of breath)

"Truth." (shot. I was beginning to see two of everything wooooooooo)

"Have you ever even kissed someone!"

"No, Truth or dare?"

"Truth!"(shot).

We were now heading at break neck speed, all eyes darting frantically back and forth between us.

"Have you ever fantasized about me?"

"Yes! Truth or dare!"

"D…Dare!" (very unsteady shot).

"KISS ME!"

And that was the exact moment in my life where I can pinpoint that I snogged Yagami Raito.

I am so ashamed.

I pushed myself from the floor and toppled…toppled on top of him.

I…pinned him to the floor.

I even let him grab my arse.

And then as the piece de resistance…

I threw up over him.

"T…there…!" I had slurred, wiping at myself. "I have…now kisshed someone."

I looked down to discover the boy un conscious on the floor.

To which my response was to also pass out.

This morning I had woken at the appalling hour of 5 am, surrounded by

many a crashed out person scattered across the floor.

Untangling myself from copious limbs, I stood up quite unsteadily.

The most awful pain erupted through my skull and, strangely enough, my head was freezing. What a strange symptom…

And where were my jeans!

Retrieving them from the hallway (!) I hurriedly put them on and made my way to the bathroom, after hauling a fallen young lady out of the doorway.

I looked in the mirror.

Ashen skin, dark rimmed eyes.

Definitely a hangover.

Ah, and that was why my head was freezing.

Fumbling about for my phone, I rang Watari and requested I were to be picked up immediately.

He arrived within five minutes and I silently made my way out of the door, sidestepping what looked like the after math of WW3 and retrieving a juice box from the flower bed, before slowly clambering into the back seat.

"Ryuzaki!" Watari had squawked.

"Mmm?" I inquired through my straw of juice.

"Where is your hair!"

"Ah, that. I believe somebody removed it whilst I was asleep."

The journey back was a blur. A big, silent blur.

And that is how I have landed up in bed, in the middle of the day, with 'flu' and a bald head.

This is one to save for the grandchildren.

Anyhow, I really must try to get some sleep and recover from this awful alcoholic side effect.

Until next time.

Log Out.


	9. Chapter 9

-1

Spoilers: L's real name.

Date: 31st March 08

Height: 179 cm

Weight: 50 kg

BMI: 15.6

Daily Consumption: 5 coffees w/ 8 sugar cubes, 4 black teas w/ 8 sugar cubes, 1 lychee and strawberry Sunday w/ sprinkles, 3 chocolate and marshmallow pop tarts, 2 box strawberry mousse pocky, 1 packet chocolate biscuit pandas, 2 bananas, 10 cherries dipped in melted chocolate.

Mood: Disturbed.

Hello, Me,

Today began as any other day. I awoke at about four a.m. Had my shower. Applied my makeup. Fixed on my wig. And trotted downstairs into the empty offices to go and collect my first coffee of the day.

By the time I had fully awoken post caffeine fix, it was about 7:30am.

I therefore had a full half hour before the team arrived for the early morning brief. I had everything prepared. No more research to do. No suspects to arrange interrogations with. No information sheets to complete. Everything was finished and ready. (As what is to be expected from such a competent being as myself.) (Toot toot, there goes my horn).

So. There I was. Sitting alone in the offices. With nothing to do. Time on my hands.

I am not one used to having time to spend as he wishes. What could I possibly do to pass thirty minutes?

I racked my brains. And then Matsuda san popped into my head.

He was always idly whittling away the time! Pretending to work. Thinking I never noticed him absently sitting there, appearing 'busy'.

No, Matsuda. I had noticed. I just haven't gotten round to firing you yet.

So, all I had to do was think back to all of the mundane, imbecilic passed-times he partook of, and follow suit.

And then I thought of an idea. What a nice idea it seemed at the time! Why hadn't I thought of it before? The results should be intriguing.

So I Googled my own name.

Ah, what fun!

I almost saw why Matsuda spent all of his precious working hours wasting my work funds on employing his useless behind.

Eagerly, I tapped in .

And shortly afterwards I frantically tapped in Raito kun's cell phone number.

"Raito kun! Emergency code 201! Get here IMMEDIATELY."

I remained transfixed to the screen as I awaited his arrival, drumming my fingers frenetically against the desk in a manner that was even beginning to annoy myself.

I could not seem to stop, however.

Ten minutes had passed by the time Raito kun burst through the office door, panting heavily, dressed somewhat bizarrely in a foil suit reminiscent of a 1960's view of a space suit, and pedalling in a small pink bicycle, complete with white basket and daisy embellishments.

One of my eyebrows ascended into my hairline of it's own accord.

"Wheresthefire!"

"Excuse me, Raito kun?"

"Wheresthefire?QuickwegottagetyououtRyuuzaki!"

"Fire? What are you talking ab…whey!"

Before I had had a chance to finish my sentence, Raito kun had picked me up across-the-thresh-hold style and was attempting to plant me into his diminutive white wicker basket.

"Raito kun, put me down now, there is no fire!"

At this point he stopped, surveyed his surroundings and realized that, yes, I was correct.

" Code 201! You said code 201!" He objected frantically.

I think the frankly shocking nature of his appearance had just set in.

"Code 201 does not mean fire! That's code 202! Code 201 means Miscellaneous emergency!"

Forlornly, he plucked at the chest of his loose, foil space mans suit.

"It uh…it protects you from the heat…" He mumbled, feeling as if I

probably needed some form of an explanation.

Actually, I was more concerned about his choice of transport.

"This uh…this was Sayu's…been in…been in the garage for years." He feebly motioned towards the pitiful vehicle with his hand.

You read my mind, Raito kun.

"So…what is this 'miscellaneous emergency' then?"

Ah, yes, that! I had briefly been distracted from such pressing matters for obvious reasons.

"Quickly, Raito kun, draw up a seat! You will need to be seated before you witness what I am about to show you!"

Appearing concerned, he grabbed the nearest chair and threw himself into it, wheeling himself directly behind me to peer over my shoulder at the computer screen.

"Ok…deep breath now, Raito kun. Try not to be too alarmed…"

"Oh, God, Ryuuzaki…what is it?"

"Just…it's better if you see…"

Hesitantly, my hand hovered over the mouse. I had to mentally prepare before I ridded the monitor of its floating strawberry sundae screen saver.

Raito began breathing annoyingly down my neck.

Like with pulling off a plaster, it was better to get it over with

quickly, so without further hesitation I batted the mouse, ending with it flying off the desk due to the unintentional force.

"Oops."

Suddenly, Raito's breath ceased from tickling me.

"Ryuuzaki…." He croaked.

"I know, Raito kun, you do not need to say anything." I intoned.

"I uh…I need to go to the bathroom."

"What?"

"I won't be a minute!"

And then he dashed off. Just leaving me there in the presence of this horror!

Oh yes, he WAS practical in an emergency wasn't he! All shiny foil suits, homosexual bicycles and unexpected bowel movements.

I stewed for five whole minutes in my chair before he returned.

"Ahh, that's better."

A telling blush graced his cheeks.

I didn't ask.

"Raito kun, do I have your full attention now?" I asked, a little testily.

Actually, funny I should mention that word. Testily.

"Yes, Ryuuzaki. Leave this to me. I will thoroughly research all offending sites. I will single handily comb the net. Uncover every single perpetrator. Inspect every picture. Read every post…"

"Ok, Raito kun, I am not asking that of you…"

"But I will do it anyway!"

At least he was eager…

"All I want to know is…where did they come from?"

"How do you mean?"

"I mean…these drawings? These stories? These…OH MY GOD, THESE PHOTOS.

There's photos!"

I suddenly found myself being forcefully pushed out of the way, me and chair spinning wildly across the tiles.

"I'll inspect the photo's, Ryuuzaki, don't you worry."

There were photos…photos I tell you.

Of.

Of.

Of me.

And Raito kun.

N…n…NAKED.

Together!

Touching….parts.

Touching penis'.

Oh god, I can't bare to go on.

"Raito kun…how is it going over there?" I meekly asked, staring into my coffee I made all by myself.

It tasted of shit.

Excuse the language, I rarely curse, but this coffee called for it.

I got up and peered over his shoulder, unconsciously speaking aloud the title of the webpage he was currently researching.

"Raito's Doujinshi Compilation….Raito kun, what is this?"

As if I had just electrocuted him, he scrambled for the mouse, desperately attempting to cross the page, the mouse dancing out of his grip in his frantic tumble.

Giving me the time to read a little more.

"RaitoXL…"

"Ryuuzaki!" He suddenly popped up from below, face flushed, foiled body blocking the screen.

"Raito kun, is that the PC's kettle lead?"

A limp black plug was gripped tightly in his hand.

"Uh, this? Oh yeah, uh. PC was having problems…" He shrugged.

Of course it was.

"But I wished to view that page a little more."

"Oh no, Ryuuzaki, I doubt you could handle it…"

He waved me off absently with his hand as if it were no big deal.

Oh, but this WAS a big deal.

How dare Raito kun administrate a site of that nature.

How dare he administrate a site of the nature which implied that I, L,

the Greatest Detective in the World ™, that I am…

"Raito kun," I began, calm and steady. "I want you to plug that computer back in, log in to your… little site(my eyes unconsciously flicked down to his groin area at this point) and…"

"And delete it?" He enquired quietly beneath shrouds of pure shame.

"…And completely alter it so that the world knows that I am seme. I mean, I would be seme if the situation were to call for it. Not that it will. Or ever will. Oh, you know what I mean."

Shockingly, this was his reply.

"NEVER!" A loud bellow.

"Excuse me?"

"I would rather delete it all!"

"You will do no such thing! You will alter it!"

"I refuse, Ryuuzaki!"

"Raito kun! I am your boss! If I say I am the dominant one, then I. Am. The. Dominant. One!"

"Impossible! Ryuuzaki, you are too inexperienced! Too skinny! True, we are of the same height, but I am of more masculine build! Everyone knows that is what makes a seme!"

"Oh but Raito kun! You are far too emotional! All that wailing and those tempers you throw! And have you heard your voice in the dub? Nasal! Nasal and worthy of a Disney production!"

"Touché. But still, I would be seme."

"And yes, you may look stronger, but everybody knows that I am more capable of holding my own in a fight! I am skilled in the art of Coeperia. Whilst you! YOU just throw random punches! Therefore I am seme."

"I disagree! Besides you're like, what, 90 percent sugar? That's not exactly 'manly' now, is it? That's instant constitution as 'the bitch'."

"I wish you would reframe from such language! However, I must bring up the time I thwarted you at tennis! No seme would ever lose in a physical battle of strength and skill!"

"I thought that only happened in the cannon! And pure luck! And you appear to have forgotten the time I had to dive for you and cradle you like a baby when we all thought you'd died! I mean, the way you dramatically catapulted from your chair! We all thought Kira had gotten to you! There you were, nestled in my arms croaking 'my heart, my heart!' when all you had was a BAD CASE OF INTIGESTION!"

"Poppy cock! And we can play tennis more than on one occasion!"

"I AM SEME!"

"Never! I will not allow it! If we were to ever perform such a deed I WILL BE THE ONE TO POUND YOU INTO THE HEADBOARD!"

"Is…this a bad time?"

Yes, Matsuda, it is a really bad time.

I honestly do not know how long he had been standing there.

But I wish to God I had been a little more quiet.

Now everybody believes we are having sexual relations.

Maybe I should find the time to actually fire Matsuda after all.

The last time I checked he was playing solitaire, and losing (how do you lose a game where you play against yourself?) whilst simultaneously claiming he had just found a vital clue in the evidence of the latest case.

("Matsuda, I am right behind you. I can see that you are not working.")

Anyway, I must finish writing today's entry and continue hacking into Raito kun's site.

For a site which just acts as a hobby he really has encrypted this rather well…

Ok, for now it's good bye.

Until next time.

Log Out.


End file.
